Cleveland

Cleveland, being from Michigan (Detroit at that) you and I are sworn enemies. You and I get off to a bad start since you’re from Ohio (a worthless state and my nemesis state), but now I have a whole new bag of reasons to hate you. The Pistons are out of the playoffs, the Tigers trail in the AL central and dropped 5 in a row the Indians (the leaders), and nobody would pick the Lions over anyone, even the Browns. As Cleveland continues to batter Detroit sports I wanted to focus on a couple positive things about the city and the situation.

1. Thanks for B.O.N.E. Thugs n’ Harmony, Cleveland. Straight from East 99, they’ve been slangin’ that ye yo and takin’ no shorts and no losses since I was in high school, and probably even before that. They came out with a new album in May that I’m surprised I even heard about. I hope they get to perform at one of the two finals games in Cleveland.

2. Major League is a classic sports movie. Thanks go to your Cleveland Indians for being the butt of a motion picture joke that even made it to sequel status. I am thinking that your Indians are not just the centerpiece of the plot but also the entire motivation for the idea. You guys were so bad for so long that it just made sense to give you something with a happy ending. I’m surprised there weren’t movies about Boston winning the world series before it actually happened. But Boston is a completely different town; historic, proud, renowned (for good). The people of Boston wouldn’t take such sympathy from Hollywood, they’d get drunk and fire GMs until they finally won. You, however, relish the attention and still have not been to the World Series since 48. Good movie.

3. Drew Carey… Hey! thanks for nothin’. Wait should I be thanking Chicago for Harry Caray’s lovechild? The names are eerily close (if only they looked alike).

4. Rock and Roll. Every time I see a shot of that glass pyramidal Louvre rip-off on your shore (of our Great Lake) I rack my brain to imagine why the Rock and Roll hall of fame resides in Cleveland. It turns out that Cleveland had a DJ who played rock and roll (how interesting) and beat out Memphis (home of recording studios and artists who play rock and roll) in USA Today Poll and you can’t argue with that. To top it off new members to the hall are inducted every year during a ceremony… IN NEW YORK! I can already see Cleveland beating out the likes of a New York borough or LA for the hip hop hall of fame, thanks in part to BONE and their uncanny ability to win despite the absolute absence of value or quality.

So thank you Cleveland for playing some small role in things of some good, but please never forget that our hockey team is better than yours.

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